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Whose Favor do I seek?
There's a song I really love by Daddy Weave, called The only name. The problem is that really, whose name do I seek? Secretly, I love being in the limelight. It's a bit uncomfortable at first, but then – oh, it is sweet. Having people acknowledge you and look up to you is very heady.
I was just doing a check on myself because I realize that there is still a part of me that I haven't allowed God to touch and heal. My husband and I were discussing it the other day and I got so frustrated. I really want to be whole, and I know that it's a promise. Last night at youth group, the young speaker reminded me that I am whole.
The beauty is that there was nothing I did to erase my past. I didn't have to make an arduous trip to some hard to reach temple in the mountains, I didn't have to kiss a huge stone from outer space (disgusting, by the way but whatever), I didn't have to spend years in silence or in seclusion to achieve this freedom. It's there, no matter what. It's not that I was good enough to begin with. Let me tell you about whom I looked for.
When I was a child I remember my mother taking me to school with her and on class trips. I remember being the center of attention. I was the oldest grandchild/child in my family (by the way, I still am) and thus I was adored by all around me. When I got older, getting that attention became more and more difficult. It wasn't that I wasn't loved by my family. I know I was. I still wanted that undivided attention from everyone.
I joined a dance group when I was about ten or so (I can't remember exactly how old I was but I bet my mother does). We performed in front of sometimes large crowds. And yes, it was scary, but when that applause comes – wow! what a rush. I wanted people to notice me, and yet I didn't. Eventually, I actually did things so people wouldn't notice me. I withdrew into myself a lot, all the while craving attention. Isn't it just weird of the things we do?
When I moved to Dubai and started skating, I remember feeling the rush on Friday nights when I'd step onto the ice, knowing I'd have an audience (small, but it was there) when I did my simple jumps and spins. Knowing that there was someone out there, watching what I did, was exhilarating. Even being an instructor satisfied that need to be the center of attention even if I didn't realize it.
And here I am again.
Writing books is somehow something that draws people's attention. I didn't go seeking this path, just like the past. I just ended up on it. So, what am I to do, since I now realize that I like that attention from others? I remember sitting down at a restaurant with my hubby, just relaxing and talking, when this guy walked up to me. He goes, “You're that author, Anne Perreault.” At first I was quite – well, how shall I put it – beyond shocked that he should know my name. But then I remember meeting him before. He knew my oldest son, and we had chatted before. But he addressed me as author. It was the first time anyone had ever done that. After I had recovered from my shock, I settled back feeling that rush of satisfaction. I wasn't just a nameless person on the street anymore.
I was someone.
As I'm writing this I'm coming to realize that I don't need to crave attention from people. What fills my heart this Sunday morning, as I listen to my worship music and allow it to fill my spirit, is that I have the attention of the Lord of Lords, the King of Kings. I have a Father in heaven, who is infallible (sorry, Papi, but you ain't), who loves me so completely that He died for me. Really, people, let that sink in. But the most wonderful thing is that He rose. He conquered death, sin, separation from God. And He's made that possible for me.
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
(2 Cor 5:17)
Not because I'm in the limelight. Not because I'm just so good and have done wonderful things. No. He's done it because. That's it.
That's, like, outstanding. The thing is that I need to stay connected with Christ. I don't need to seek people. If I seek the Kingdom of God, He'll provide for me. He'll be enough for me. Does that seem like an easy thing to do? In a way it is. It's simple, yet requires a huge amount of determination and strength. This goes beyond my determination or my strength to be humble. I need to draw on Christ in every circumstance.
And as always, Christ directs my writing to what I'm dealing with. I just finished a story about being renewed and I used that very verse above. He's so amazing, isn't He? The thing is, if we allow Him to touch our lives, we are truly new. We are made into the image of God, people. If we realize that, nothing can stop us to do the right thing. And I don't mean the moral thing, although the line is very fine between the moral and the right thing. When we are humble and surrendered before God, we may do some really crazy things.
So now I'm rambling... Sorry.
Whose attention/approval do I seek? It would be so easy to say God's, but there's still a part of me that wants to be noticed, to be told that I'm a great friend, or that I touched them with what I wrote. Even someone telling me that my kids are amazing, is so satisfying. I have to remember that my Lord is the one watching me, no matter what. He's the one, who loves me perfectly, whose attention I crave. I have to remember to live humbly, and let's not confuse that with the worldly meaning of humble.
I am whole. I am in God's limelight. That's pretty amazing and it's all I need. Because the rest is just fluff.
If you came up to me and asked what I do, I'd have to tell you that I'm a wife, mother and teacher. A writer? you ask. Wow. Now that is something I never thought I'd be. But through God, all things are possible.